that everything seems worse in the middle of the night? Each night when I get up to feed Adam, my mind is already in overdrive and I start to think and stew and worry. Long after Adam's tummy is full and he's back to sleep, I'm still thinking. Often, it takes me a couple hours to go back to sleep, only to have the alarm go off shortly thereafter. I've done this for many, many years, and it used to be things that I needed to remember to do. I combated that by keeping a notepad and pen on my dresser and when I woke up, I'd do what I called "emptying out my brain". I'd write down everything I could think of, say a prayer that I could let it go, and try to go back to sleep. It was usually successful. Now, I lay awake and think about my kids. That's harder, because with kids, the worries are never ending. There is no way to "empty out my brain".
What kills me though is that when I think about whatever it was that kept me up, it seems so minor, because, truly, my kids are fine. I'm of the firm belief, thanks to eighteen years of hard work by my optimistic husband, that most things really do work out on their own and, as Jeremy reminds me often, worrying won't change anything, so why waste time on it? So why can't I convince my brain of this at 2:00 in the morning?
Why, as parents, do we worry so much? Why do we worry about kids that are ten times better than we ever were, who have everything going for them and who, I know, really are doing well and making good choices? It makes me wonder how many sleepless nights my parents must have had on my account. Maybe this is a universal problem with all parents.
I don't think my kids realize that what keeps me up in the middle of the night are not the little boys, but the four girls. Physical needs are easy to handle. Feed a bottle, change a diaper, go back to sleep. Emotional needs, spiritual needs... those are so much more worrisome. I've learned that it doesn't really get easier as they get older. It just gets different. It's not nearly as physical. It's more mental. And there's much at stake. I want to be at the top of my game. I need to be at the top of my game. There's no choice. I just have to learn to do it on four hours of sleep a night.
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5 comments:
Laying awake at night and worrying about the kids is what mothers do. and sweetie--you are and always have been on top of the game.
I think its a sign of a good parent that you worry about your kids. Especially when they are good and sweet.
Dear Sleepless in Spokane-
Boy could we talk! I hear ya! I don't have a cute little one waking me up for feedings...but I have noticed that I do worry so over my boys. My mom always told me little one's problems and needs are easy to fix and we have control over most of their daily needs. We can fix hunger, we can fix being dirty, we can fix boredom. The needs of older children esp. teenagers are much more complicated and we can't fix them. Jeremy is right, worry doesn't change a thing but we do worry because we care and love them. You are a great Mom because you do care so much and you work very hard at your job.
Sweetie, I ditto your mom. Don't be so hard on yourself just because you can't see what we see when we look at you. You are a fantastic mom!!!!
Yes, you are a FABULOUS Mom-just look at how GREAT your children are! It is times like these that I can't help but think about the way our Father in Heaven feels and worries for his children.
Sneak in a nap...
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